Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
