Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
two words: eviction party
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
