i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
