does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
