And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
