What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
