Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
So. Much. Porn.
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