The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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