I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
