if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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