I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
