life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
