My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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