Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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