i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
