I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
