apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
