my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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