dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
