call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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