i wish my penis had a tongue
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
