Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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