You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
