so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
