Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
