Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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