Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
