Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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