drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
