I like my sex mixed with concussions.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
