When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
and you fell through a lawn chair
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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