i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
