i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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