So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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