I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
