Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
