If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
