There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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