why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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