That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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