There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
