So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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