if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
