Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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