Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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