had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
