Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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