people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
