I hope mine doesn't look like that
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
