I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
