I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
