I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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