One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
