Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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