Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize