So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
