oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
