She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
